My name's Nichole! I'm 24, and I'm currently in a fierce battle with bulimia. It's been a looong time that I've been struggling with this. Hell, I remember my first binge when I was 8. So, yeah. It's nothing new. What is new is my understanding of it. I now can recognise when I'm having ED thoughts. I realise just how pervasive they are. They permeate every aspect of my life. But I'm working on correcting this.
About a year and a half ago I had a breakdown. I had never uttered these words before in my life because I had refused to accept it, but I told my boyfriend. I was on the ground sobbing, and I said it:
"I have an eating disorder."
I was completely terrified. I was scared of him leaving me. He was my only support at the time and the thought of him not being there was too much to handle. I was convinced he'd leave, that he'd figure I was too fucked up and not worth his time.
He didn't leave. He stayed right there and even cried with me. I'll never forget that moment. It's forever seared into my brain. It's when I truly felt loved. I really was able to believe it when he said it. I felt cared for, and I had never had that before. It was amazing. It still blows my mind that anyone can care about me like that.
He supports me every step of the way. I couldn't do this without him. I'm in therapy now which has been amazing. But I realise a lot of the progress I'll make is what I do at home. I can't expect much to happen in an hour session every three weeks.
So I've started a couple self-help books. One is The Food and Feelings Workbook by Karen R. Koenig, which has been really helpful for identifying what I'm feeling, especially when I want to binge. I normally have an extremely difficult time knowing what I'm feeling, but since I've started this book I've been getting better about it, so I'm hopeful it will continue to help.
Another is Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward. This has been an interesting read so far. I had severely toxic parents who did a lot of damage to me. I've come to realise just how much since starting this book. I'm really excited to finish this one up.
Okay, so enough about that. The purpose of this blog is to get back on track with my eating. It's been really bad lately. It feels like one constant binge. But I'm determined to take my life back, and damnit, I'm going to do this. Nothing is going to stop me.
My goal is to make a healthy dinner every night and post to here, to keep me accountable. I have a bad problem with not wanting to eat real food. Whenever I binge I punish myself by not letting me eat healthy things. That's got to stop. Tonight I made chickpea, corn and tomato salad, a Lightlife Italian sausage, and some broccoli. I'm pretty proud of myself. And it felt good to eat that. I know it's good for me. And regardless of whether I binge or not, I need to get in the habit of eating regular, healthy meals.
May is going to be my month.
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