Day 31

I can't believe I made it through a whole month! I was sure I wouldn't keep up with this, but hey, I'm proud of myself.

Tonight I just made chicken sliders. They were really tasty.

I love how cute and tiny they are!

Day 30

I went to a friend's place again today. It was really nice to see her. I brought her a house-warming gift since she moved. It was nice to get out again.

For dinner I made pizza sticks which were pretty good. I used to love pizza but now I'm not digging it quite so much. It's alright, but I probably won't have more for quite a while.

I suppose the rest of the night I'll just try unwinding. I've been tense all day. Hopefully I can relax.

Day 29

I had my counseling appointment today. It went really well. I'm glad I'm still going to them, they always leave me feeling like a little more progress was made.

Today was a lot warmer than it has been recently. Which gave me a migraine, hoorah. I still have it, and it sucks. I feel like throwing up.

I went to a friend's place earlier which was nice. I hardly ever see friends anymore. We talked for a while, then she made dinner so I ate over there. We had bean tacos and rice and it was really good. She's an excellent cook. I didn't get to take a picture though.

We started watching a movie after, and it was just really nice to be somewhere else with other people. I go crazy being here all the time. I need to start getting out more.

Day 28

Today was alright! I slept for way too long though. But I guess I felt alright.

I just had a leftover meatloaf sammich for dinner. It was really good.

I will definitely be making that meatloaf again. It was seriously good.

I have a counseling appointment tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to it. I just feel really burnt out from the last one. It'll probably be good though.

Day 27

I wasn't very hungry for dinner tonight. I just had a bowl of dinosaur egg oatmeal. That stuff is so good.  I feel 12 whenever I eat it.

It's so much fun watching the eggs hatch. I love it.

My pops got home tonight. It's good to see him again, but I was really enjoying the time without him. It was much more peaceful. Ah well, nothing nice lasts forever.

Day 26

I just had leftovers tonight for dinner. Meatloaf and beans and stuff. I forgot to get a picture though.

Today hasn't been very good. I stayed in bed daydreaming for far too long and then the night's just been spent ruminating. I know I need to get away from doing that, I just don't know how. The thoughts just take over and I can't seem to help it.

Day 25

It was nice today with just my sister and gran here. We're able to have more fun than if my pops was here. I made dinner for us all. I did a meatloaf which I've never made before and it turned out rather well! We had corn and beans with it. It was a really nice meal.

Now I'm just relaxing and spending the night with my best friend. It's quite pleasant. Not such a bad day all told.

Day 24

My pops left tonight to go to Kentucky. He'll be staying until Memorial Day. He goes every year to put flowers on his parents' graves. So it's just my sister, my gran and I here for the weekend, which will be nice and horrific all at once. Yay.

Tonight I had carrots and hummus and corn on the cob for dinner. It was all really nice. I love freshly shucked corn.

I'm not going so well with things right now. Everything is just crushing down on me all at once and I can't seem to breathe. I feel like I'm drowning. I just don't know what to do anymore, but I have no choice but to keep living this way for now.

Day 23

I didn't end up eating dinner tonight, I feel sick and not up to eating. I've just been playing LEGO Harry Potter all day. I didn't have a nap today though, which is probably good but now I'm freaking exhausted. Probably sleep way too early and wake up and be up all night. :|

Day 22

Today wasn't so bad. It rained so it was cooler out which was really nice. I hate all this heat we've had. D:

For dinner I had mini eggrolls with sweet and sour. It's one of my favourite things to eat ever. I could live on those. Probably wouldn't live that long, but that would be alright.

I'm spending the night playing LEGO Harry Potter. Fun times!

Day 21

I am soooo tired. I've hardly been able to keep my eyes open today. It's terrible. It could be because of the pill increase, who knows.

For dinner I had pierogies, eggplant, carrots and tomatoes. It was all really good except for the eggplant. I've never had it before and wasn't really a fan of how I cooked it. It was way too rich. Maybe next time I'll just sautée it with some salt and see how that goes.

I had an alright day with my eating. No binges so I'm pleased about that. I went out for a drive earlier which was really nice to just drive with nowhere to be. I wish I could do that more often.

Day 20

Today was another long day. Felt pretty terrible, but I talked to my doctor and he's increasing one of my pills so hopefully I'll notice a change with that.

For dinner I had sautéed veggies, cottage cheese and sausages.

It was all really nice. I'm doing OK with my new eating schedule. Not fantastic, but it could definitely be worse. I'm relatively pleased with it I suppose.

Day 19

Today was long. I thought it was never going to end. I've been having such bad days that I just am waiting for night to come so I can sleep. I hate sleep too, though. Hopefully this is just temporary.

For dinner I just had a chicken salad sammich. It was quite tasty. I don't think I've made this since I quit eating meat, but it's something I'll definitely make again. Litelife makes amazing chicken strips.

I still have about 3 hours before I can sleep. I dunno what to do in the meantime. I feel like screaming and smashing things. I'll probably just spend it on reddit though I suppose. I hope it's not as hot tomorrow.

Day 18

We made pizzas tonight for dinner! They were pretty mediocre, but still, pizza. Pizza is good.

I didn't do much today. Showered and painted my nails. Those... those are my big accomplishments for the day. The rest of the day was spent in bed. I still feel like balls. But I've started my pills again because I feel like I was in a really bad state of mind when I quit them and I shouldn't have done that. I need to be on them right now. So we'll see how this goes again.

Day 17

I didn't have dinner tonight, I'm just not feeling very well and am not hungry.

I guess the only time I ate today I had scrambled eggs, but I didn't take a picture of that. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to eat better.

I spent the day painting mostly. And that's about it.

Day 16

My gran made stuffed peppers for supper so I had one of those. It was really nice of her to make me one without meat. It was really tasty!

Yum, that thing was so good.

Today wasn't so bad. I didn't do too much, but sometimes that's okay. I felt alright, so that's something. I didn't eat breakfast or lunch though, so tomorrow I will try to make more of an effort to do so because I know it's good for me.

Day 15

So I had that appointment with my doctor today. It was really uncomfortable. I kept saying how I thought the pills were doing bad things to me and that I wanted to quit them, but he just kept going on about how he strongly recommends I stay on them. But it's ultimately my choice and I really feel like I'd be better off without them. So I'm going to stop them. Hopefully I'll notice a change in my energy levels soon. I hate not being able to get out of bed during the day.

For dinner I was lazy and just made some sweet corn. It was really nice. I had it with some cottage cheese.

I think I'll spend the rest of the night painting. I've been wanting to all day.

Day 14

So I didn't end up eating dinner tonight. I'm feeling really nauseous so I don't want to eat anything. I stayed in bed most of the day again, but tomorrow is my doctor appointment, so hopefully we can work something out.

Aaand, today wouldn't be complete without a picture, so here's a look out my window over our garden!

I'm excited for the sprouts!

Day 13

Well, I spent most of the day in bed crying. It was not a good day at all.

I didn't get a picture of my dinner, but it was the same as a few nights ago, turkey roll-up, so I'll just use that picture again.

Tonight's gotten a wee bit better, so hopefully this has passed and tomorrow will be better too.

Day 12

My sister came over today for Mother's Day. My gran decided to leave, so we didn't even get to see her, but it was nice to see my sister. I made her some vegan lasagna cupcakes and we has a slice of peanut butter pie afterwards. She couldn't stay long because of work, but it was still nice to hang out for a bit.

Today was alright in terms of my eating. Not amazing. I feel like it was a bit much, but I know every day isn't perfect, I certainly didn't binge which is the main thing. Day four in a row! I'm really happy about that.

I had the lasagna cupcakes for dinner and some mochi afterwards.

I feel guilty for eating those lasagna things. I don't know why. When I think about what's actually in them, they're not unhealthy at all. I even made the marinara from scratch. I think I just consider everything like that "comfort food" and to me, comfort food is bad because it's typically binge food. But I have to remember that I didn't binge. Even though it could be considered comfort food, it was relatively healthy and not bad for me. I just have to get over that. It's like when I had a veggie burger last week. I felt horrible after. I just have to work past all that. I have to remember that I'm finally doing good things for myself.

Day 11

ANOTHER BINGE-FREE DAY WHAT. This is day 3 in a row and I'm fucking ecstatic. I'm so proud of myself.

Today I ventured out in the city and found this cute little Vietnamese shop! The lady there was nice and friendly. I got some mochi and vegan won ton wrappers! I'm so excited to make stuff with those.

For dinner I just had leftover chicken penne stuff. I didn't manage to get a picture, but it looks the same as it did the other day so I'll just steal that picture.

I'm going to make tomorrow be another amazing day like today was.

Day 10

Today was another binge-free day and I'm so fucking happy. I still have crazy thoughts of food chasing their way through my mind, but I don't give them power now like I used to. I hope I never give them power again. They really are just meaningless thoughts and urges.

I fought some robot dinosaur ninjas. Because they were threatening the world and I had to save everyone. T'was a fierce battle, but I was victorious.

For dinner I made seared asparagus, pierogies and shells and cheese. It was all very nice.

I plan on spending the rest of the night just relaxing because I've still been ridiculously tired, but I see my doctor next week, so that'll be good.

Day 9

Today was fantastic. Besides being ridiculously sleepy, I didn't binge. Not once. The incessant thoughts about food were still there from time to time, but they weren't troublesome like they usually are and I didn't act on them. AWESOME. I'm really happy about that.

For dinner I had a turkey and cheese roll-up and it was very good!

I'm excited to see if I can keep this up. It almost feels like my bulimia is gone. I mean, I know it's still there, or the thoughts are anyway, but can I really live a life without binging? That fucking blows my mind to think about. We shall see what tomorrow holds.

Day 8

Today was a good day! I had a therapy session that was good for me I think. I started talking about some things which are normally really hard for me to acknowledge. I got through the hour though, and felt much better after.

I had a tense time with the fam. I got into an argument with my gran because she drives me nuts sometimes, but we talked tonight and I apologized for being so short-tempered lately. I'm just so stressed with my eating issues that it's been pouring into the rest of my life. So I feel better that we at least talked about some stuff.

For dinner I made some Italian herb chicken and penne. It was really good!

I also started reading this book today. It's called Brain Over Binge and I really love it. It makes so much sense to me. Its theme is how I'm really in control of my binges. It's the "animalistic" part of my brain that urges me to binge, because I've created this habit for myself. But I can break out of that. The real me is what's in control and I can separate myself from those urges. I already feel more in control, and like I'm free. Something just clicked for me, in a way no amount of therapy has. I mean, I've been in therapy for a decade and it's never come close to helping with my binges. If anything, I've felt more out of control the last year since I've really started to deal with issues.

So basically, I'm empowered to really make a full recovery. I feel like I'm there already. I know I'm not magically cured, but I can feel the change in my thinking and the way I view my binges and food already. I mean, usually at this time of night it's bad. I almost always binge. I have absolutely no urge to. The thoughts might still be there, but those aren't me and I most certainly am not going to listen to them because that's not what I want to do.

I feel So. Fucking. Free.

Day 7

I finally got the garden planted today! I'm so proud. It was two hours of backbreaking work and I'm glad it's over.

I didn't do much else today. Netflix. Reddit. Skype. It was just a typical day.

For dinner I had sautéed veggies and tofu with nutritional yeast. It was quite good.

Tomorrow I should be going grocery shopping so I'll be able to have more variety. I have hardly any food right now which is why I've been having a lot of the same stuff lately. Tomorrow that'll change hopefully!

Day 6

Today was pretty great! I was able to stay up and actually do stuff. I finally got all the flowers planted! I'm so proud of myself. Tomorrow I'm going to start in on the garden, yaaay.

My sister and cousin came over. I don't really see them that much anymore, so it was nice to hang out with them.

I wasn't very hungry for dinner. I just had some leftover chickpea stuff. T'was good.

I'm spending the night skyping with a friend and working on a story. I started writing it last week and I really want to finish it up. Hopefully I can in the next couple days!

Day 5

So I ended up not taking my pills last night, for science. I felt a lot better today! Still quite sleepy, but so much better. I was able to actually function somewhat normally. I finished up laundry and such which is good. I hate being too tired to do normal stuff like that. So. Tomorrow I plan on calling my doctor to ask how I should taper off my pills. They haven't been doing anything for me except making me completely exhausted, so I'd rather just quit them. I've been on damn near everything, and I'm just tired of being a guinea pig at this point. I think I'll be okay on my own.

I played some more Catherine. It's really quite good. I'm enjoying it immensely. I didn't do much else other than that today.

I haven't done anything in my workbook for far too long, so I think that'll be my goal for tonight. Go through at least one more chapter. It's been good so far! I really like it. Learning about feelings and all this stuff is really interesting.

For dinner my old people brought home Subway, so this is what I had. Not the healthiest thing, but I only have it occasionally, so I'm not going to beat myself up over having it.

The picture is terrible, but it was really good. And I didn't binge today so I can claim today as another relatively normal day. That is happy-inducing.

Day 4

Today was alright. Mainly just a lazy Saturday. I Skyped with a friend for a while. Then I played a bit of Catherine which was nice. It's a really fantastic game. For dinner I made myself some shells and cheese, steamed broccoli and an Italian sausage. It was all very good.

I didn't get out to plant anything today, but that's my goal for tomorrow. I want to have all the flowers planted at least. Then I'll start in the garden. There's a lot of work that needs to be done for that, so hopefully over the next week I can have everything ready to go. I'm really excited for it! There's just something so satisfying about growing your own food to eat.

The rest of tonight will be spent cleaning up, doing laundry and things like that. Nothing exciting to report there.

Day 3

Today wasn't very good. I take pills at night and they usually leave me a bit groggy, but today I could hardly keep my eyes open. I stayed in bed for far too long and just felt like balls when I did finally get up. I didn't do much. Went on reddit. Played some video games. Went to the store for a few things. Just a really lazy, unproductive day. Hopefully tomorrow I feel better.

For dinner I just had a veggie burger and some grapes. It was quite tasty.

I don't think I'll have another one for a long while though. I have some weird thing against them. I always feel really guilty afterwards. I guess that's just something I'll need to get over, as they're not bad for me. It's my thoughts about food which need to change. I feel guilty after almost everything I put in my mouth. I am working on correcting this though.

Day 2

So today was fun. I went out to a park with a friend and her son. We had a picnic! Then we all played on the playground and it was just a really nice time. I'm glad I went out with her. Most days it's hard to leave the house, but I'm really proud that I did today. It was good for me.

Aaand, I just made leftovers for dinner. I had more of that chickpea salad stuff plus some polenta casserole. It was all very good!

And all relatively healthy. I'm proud of myself. Healthy meals two days in a row! That is something to be happy about. And I haven't really had the urge to binge today which is a huge thing. I'm quite pleased about that.

Here's hoping for 29 more days of awesomeness.

Day 1

So... hi. I'm not very good at intros, but I'll give this a shot.

My name's Nichole! I'm 24, and I'm currently in a fierce battle with bulimia. It's been a looong time that I've been struggling with this. Hell, I remember my first binge when I was 8. So, yeah. It's nothing new. What is new is my understanding of it. I now can recognise when I'm having ED thoughts. I realise just how pervasive they are. They permeate every aspect of my life. But I'm working on correcting this.

About a year and a half ago I had a breakdown. I had never uttered these words before in my life because I had refused to accept it, but I told my boyfriend. I was on the ground sobbing, and I said it:

"I have an eating disorder."

I was completely terrified. I was scared of him leaving me. He was my only support at the time and the thought of him not being there was too much to handle. I was convinced he'd leave, that he'd figure I was too fucked up and not worth his time.

He didn't leave. He stayed right there and even cried with me. I'll never forget that moment. It's forever seared into my brain. It's when I truly felt loved. I really was able to believe it when he said it. I felt cared for, and I had never had that before. It was amazing. It still blows my mind that anyone can care about me like that.

He supports me every step of the way. I couldn't do this without him. I'm in therapy now which has been amazing. But I realise a lot of the progress I'll make is what I do at home. I can't expect much to happen in an hour session every three weeks.

So I've started a couple self-help books. One is The Food and Feelings Workbook by Karen R. Koenig, which has been really helpful for identifying what I'm feeling, especially when I want to binge. I normally have an extremely difficult time knowing what I'm feeling, but since I've started this book I've been getting better about it, so I'm hopeful it will continue to help.

Another is Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward. This has been an interesting read so far. I had severely toxic parents who did a lot of damage to me. I've come to realise just how much since starting this book. I'm really excited to finish this one up.

Okay, so enough about that. The purpose of this blog is to get back on track with my eating. It's been really bad lately. It feels like one constant binge. But I'm determined to take my life back, and damnit, I'm going to do this. Nothing is going to stop me.

My goal is to make a healthy dinner every night and post to here, to keep me accountable. I have a bad problem with not wanting to eat real food. Whenever I binge I punish myself by not letting me eat healthy things. That's got to stop. Tonight I made chickpea, corn and tomato salad, a Lightlife Italian sausage, and some broccoli. I'm pretty proud of myself. And it felt good to eat that. I know it's good for me. And regardless of whether I binge or not, I need to get in the habit of eating regular, healthy meals.

May is going to be my month.